


Counting Things

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: F/M, Genderbending, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 12:58:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John gets turned into a girl, then goes to dave's house to beat him up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Starting Out

John Egbert sat in front of the computer as Dave Strider logged onto pesterchum.  
-turnrechGodhead [TG] started pestering ectoBiologist [EB]-  
TG: yo  
EB: hey, dave.  
EB: sup?  
TG: nothing, sup with you  
EB: well, get this!  
EB: last night, i went to sleep, riht?  
EB: and today, i woke up as a girl!  
TG: right  
TG: thats  
TG: uh  
TG: how  
EB: what...  
TG: just how even  
EB: i dont know, dude!  
EB: you shouldve seen my dads reaction.  
TG: he made a cake didnt he  
TG: congrats on the boobs son, i am so so proud  
EB: surprisingly, im taking this very well thanks for asking.  
EB: no.  
EB: he made cookies and then went on a very long car ride.  
EB: that was about three hours ago.  
EB: he just got back.  
TG: poor guy  
EB: yeah...  
EB: im tempted to bake something for him.  
EB: but im afraid that he would only freak out more...  
TG: give him a day to get used to it  
EB: ...  
EB: yeah...  
EB: that seems best...  
TG: then give the man a hug  
EB: haha. best idea ever, dave.  
EB: i will.  
EB: i mean...  
EB: poor dad...  
EB: its like hes freaking out for both of us.  
TG: youre not freaking out at all  
EB: ...  
EB: no. not really.  
TG: weird  
EB: im more trying to figure out what im supposed to do with all these new feelings.  
TG: what feelings  
EB: i didnt know girls felt so many things at once, dude.  
TG: what are you feeling  
TG: give me a glimpse into a girls mind  
EB: i mean... imagine everything you have ever felt over your life.  
EB: every emotion.  
EB: all the sadness.  
EB: all the joy.  
EB: all the frustration...  
EB: over the course of your life.  
EB: theres a lot of it.  
EB: right?  
TG: sure is  
EB: now imagine all of that emotion from all of your life as a dude being shoved into a single minute.  
TG: wow  
EB: and multiplied by a gazillion.  
TG: sounds fucking exhausting  
EB: thats what im feeling right now, dude.  
TG: you poor girldude  
EB: i dont know whether to curl up and cry until i pass out,  
EB: beat the shit out of crap with a hammer,  
EB: or go beg dad for a comforting hug.  
EB: my chest is literally in pain.  
EB: from all of these emotions dude.  
TG: ow  
EB: youre telling me.  
EB: that is a very apt descriptor, dave.  
EB: oh!  
EB: and the mood swings.  
EB: please dont get me started on the mood swings...  
TG: go ahead, what about the mood swings  
EB: okay. so one second, im happy and joyful, and then ill think about how my windy powers have lessened considerably since we beat the game, right?  
TG: right  
EB: and i cant fly anymore, but i can hover for about a second  
TG: useful for jumping i bet  
EB: yeah. it is...  
EB: but anyways, im happy, i think about that and the next thing i know?  
EB: im underneath the kitchen table bawling my eyes out over something i had completely accepted over a year ago.  
EB: im almost 17 dude. that shit sucks ass.  
TG: aww poor baby  
EB: if i could...  
EB: i would punch you in the face through your computer, dude.  
TG: youre welcome to try  
EB: im not gonna, ass.  
EB: but any way, there is another thing thats confusing me too.  
TG: whats that  
EB: im not a homosexual.  
TG: whats that got to do with anything  
EB: does that mean that i like boys now, or what?  
TG: i dunno, look up some porn and find out  
EB: ...  
EB: helpful dave.  
TG: no im serious  
EB: ive never even liked porn dude!  
TG: wow really  
EB: yes, really.  
EB: i looked it up once, and it was really boring.  
EB: aaaaaannnnnnd my dad sorta walked in...  
TG: thats awkward  
EB: yeah.  
TG: well i dont know how to help you i only know how to pick up chicks and watch porn ok  
EB: what chick would want to be with you, dude?  
TG: all of them, duh  
TG: besides you i guess  
EB: from what ive seen, strider swag aint that impressive.  
EB: wait... even rose?  
TG: youre just weirdly immune ok dont diss my swag  
TG: rose is my ectosister she doesnt count  
EB: haha.  
EB: i just gave you the worst mental image ever, didnt i?  
TG: basically  
TG: im scarred for life  
TG: thank you for that  
EB: i regret nothing.  
TG: im going to sign you up for so many porn sites  
TG: you dont even know  
EB: dude, dont.  
TG: im gonna do it  
TG: im doing it right now  
EB: at the rate hes going, hell be out of pipe tobacco in an hour.  
EB: bro, stop...  
EB: think of dad!  
TG: wow thats some serious smoking  
EB: dont not do it for me...  
TG: youve got 3 new porn subscriptions  
TG: youre welcome  
EB: you ass hole.  
TG: have fun with your porn  
EB: i am getting on the next plane to texas and kicking your ass in person.  
TG: you wouldnt spend that kind of money just to kick my ass  
EB: im serious.  
TG: no way  
EB: im buying the tickets now  
TG: youre gonna regret it  
EB: my flight is tomorrow morning.  
EB: ill be in texas at noon, you ass.  
TG: if youre really coming down here then after you kick my ass can we hang out  
EB: sure.  
TG: cool  
TG: hey you dont even know where my house is  
TG: im not picking you up from the airport  
EB: the cheapest tickets were spaced out for a week between theto and from flights.  
EB: im spending a week in your company as a girl.  
TG: you can live at the airport for a week  
EB: great.  
EB: youre the best dave.  
EB: i love you so fucking much.  
TG: are you trying to do that weird guilt trip thing  
TG: because its working  
EB: good.  
TG: ugh fine ill go get you  
EB: ill be right back.  
TG: ok bro  
EB: i have to notify dad on the matter.  
TG: dont freak the poor man out  
-ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead-

John got up from her desk and stretched.  
Where is Dad? Judging by the lack of delicious smells, he's not in the kitchen. John thought.  
So John went down the stairs and knocked on the door to the office. Something shuffled inside before her dad called for her to come in. John peeked in and waved slightly at her dad.  
"Uh, hey Dad..." She said, walking into the room. As she stood in front of him, she situated her huge shirt and pushed up her glasses awkwardly.  
He sighed, looking at her. The young man he had raised had suddenly turned into a girl. What parent wouldnt be completely and utterly shocked? "Good afternoon, John."  
The girl shifted uncomfortably under her father's stare. Somehow, she felt disconnected from him. Like she couldnt communicate with him like she once had. Like before she woke up this morning. Before sburb. Before her thirteenth birthday. It felt like it had been a lifetime since she had actually spent time with him.  
"John, youre spacing out again." Atticus said, blinking pale blue eyes at his son- daughter. At his daughter.  
"Um, I just wanted to tell you that I bought tickets for myself to go to texas..."  
Atticus immediately gave her a fatherly scowl of disapproval. There was one reason his little girl would want to go to texas. A certain boy. John didnt know it, but Atticus Egbert did not like Dave Strider.  
"Can you return them?" He asked his daughter, taking the pipe out of his mouth and rubbing his temple with his free hand.  
"No..." John said softly.  
Another disapproving sigh. "How long?"  
"A week"  
Her father slammed a fist on his desk, making John jump and hover for a second.  
Both Egberts fell silent. John from shock and Atticus was seething with overprotective fatherly thoughts.  
"Fine..." He said after a minute, looking back at her. "I trust you. You know how to take care of yourself, and where to draw the line. I trust you to know what you're doing. Just..."  
"Dad...?"  
The pause between them seemed to last for an eternity. During it, John realized that her dad was, well, getting older. The lines on his face were getting deeper, more pronounced. Her dad wasnt going to get younger, and she had been taking him for granted. She had been distant, knowing he was right there, now that the game was over and he was brought back.  
His blue eyes were a swirl of emotion that John didnt understand. How was it possible to be so far away from someone who lives in the same house as you? How long had it been since she had spoken to him face to face? The fact that she couldnt accurately remember made her already aching heart break.  
Tears welled up in her eyes. She ran around his desk and hugged Atticus tightly. She clung to him as she cried, and he hugged her gently in response, rubbing her back in small circles.  
"Just be careful, John..." Atticus said softly, his arms tightening around her. This child was his life; whether hes a boy, or shes a girl, she would always be John. And he worried about her like any other parent would.  
After a while, they pulled away from each other, and Atticus looked at the large shirt.  
"John, I do believe that you require more adequate clothing." He said to the girl.  
"What?"  
"You need girls clothes, john."  
"No I dont." John blushed, looking at her feet.  
"Youre only wearing a shirt, John." Atticus gave her a fatherly look.  
John looked at her shirt. "Right... Maybe I do need new clothes..."  
"Go contact Strider and let him know. Then we'll go."  
John nodded, turning and walking up to her room.  
-ectoBiologist started pestering turntechGodhead-  
EB: that whole conversation was weird...  
TG: what went down  
EB: dads taking me clothes shopping.  
EB: for...  
EB: girls...  
EB: clothes...  
TG: why you can still wear guy clothes  
TG: i mean unless you wanna wear girls clothes  
EB: dave... i think he has a point.  
TG: what point  
EB: my t shirts go almost down to my knees.  
EB: my pants are like five sizes too big.  
TG: did you shrink or something  
EB: yeah... like by almost a foot.  
TG: thats adorable  
EB: im a tiny... what?  
TG: youre tiny now  
TG: little tiny egbert omg  
EB: oh, gog!  
EB: dave!  
TG: what  
EB: just shut up!  
TG: why tho  
EB: now im blushing.  
TG: daww  
EB: oh, fuck you.  
EB: i am seriously four foot eleven.  
TG: i hope you realize im probably going to hit on you right  
TG: youre an itty bitty dork  
EB: and youre a jerk.  
EB: remember what I said about my emotions and mood swings?  
EB: im about to cry, ass hat.  
TG: you can punch me if you want to  
EB: just, shut up.  
TG: here just tell me to and ill punch myself  
EB: go ahead. punch yourself.  
TG: ok hold up  
EB: ill punch you again when I see you.  
TG: ok fuck i think i bruised myself  
EB: haha... you deserved it.  
EB: shit.  
EB: dads ready to go.  
EB: ill see you tomorrow.  
TG: ok man  
EB: and ill beat you up.  
TG: see you then with a big bruise on my jaw  
EB: haha  
TG: im looking forward to it  
TG: getting beat up by you  
-ectoBiologist ceased pestering turntechGodhead-


	2. Day One Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay. because i had gotten a question about it, here's the deal with john's transformation. John was a straight guy, right? He was completely transformed into a straight girl, inside and out. He is female in his head as well as in body. That's why he asked the question about his sexuality. While John may seem calm through most of this, she is just as freaked out as her friends and dad. She is simply questioning her existence while dealing with what its like to suddenly become a girl overnight. As well as trying to deny the fact that she's attracted to her best friend.

The next day, John stepped off the plane in Texas. She was wearing a pale pink tank top, khaki capris, blue flipflops and her now oversized glasses which slid down her face at every opportunity they got. She was very skinny, the widest part of her being her hips. She had practically no chest, and looked like a thirteen year old. Her hair hadn't grown from how it had been before, but it was still kinda long for her four foot ten inch self.

She jumped slightly as her phone vibrated.

TG: hey john txt me when you get your luggage im out in the parking garage k

EB: k.

Once her one letter text was sent, she went to the luggage carousel and swiftly located her bag. She used what she could of her windy powers to lift the blue suitcase off the conveyer belt. Once that was done, she smiled nostalgically at it. She had painted the breath symbol onto its surface so she wouldn't lose it.

When she stopped spacing out, she made her way to the entrance. Halfway there, a security officer asked her where her parents were. After she was dragged with the officer to a desk, she pulled out her phone.

EB: dave, there's a delay.

TG: whats up

EB: the asshole airport people think i'm a minor.

EB: well, i am, but thats not the point.

TG: you can fly alone at 14

EB: they think i'm a little kid.

TG: do you have your passport or something to prove your age

EB: i'm shorter than the average 14 year old, dave.

EB: they think i faked it.

EB: i just showed them.

TG: what

EB: i have to wait for someone to get me.

EB: this.

EB: is.

EB: stupid.

TG: ok hold on ill be there in like 2 minutes

EB: thank you.

Dave got out of his car and jogged to the entrance. Slipping past the security guards was easy enough for him, and as he walked he texted the itty bitty Egderp.

John jumped as her phone vibrated against the tabletop.

TG: ok dude im in, where are they keeping you

EB: ...

EB: lost and found...

John blushed as she sent that. She just knew that Dave was gonna make-

TG: awwwww

\- a comment.

EB: shut it, strider.

TG: shutting it

Once she spotted him through the crowd, she started waving frantically to get his attention. He smirked slightly as he saluted towards the little Egbert. Dave and the Airport people had a conversation about John, which irritated her to no end, but eventually, she was able to leave.

Once they were out of sight of the lost and found, Dave set his elbow on the top of her head. "You really weren't kidding about being short, were you?"

"I wish I had been" John mumbled, looking at the ground and blushed, constantly having to push up her glasses.

"Hey, at this height I could give you a piggy back ride if you wanted, so its not all bad." Dave snickered.

"Stop it," She said, swatting at his elbow. "I don't want a piggy back ride."

"You sure?"he asked, removing his elbow from her head.

"It'd only be weird, Dave!"

"Says who? I could just say you're my little sis or something."

"We look nothing alike, dude!" John practically yelled, looking up at him.

"You're adopted, duh."

John was quiet for a moment. "And I'm not little..." She pouted.

"You are little." He put a hand on top of her head and a hand on top of his own head as well, measuring the distance with a smile. "Look at this."

"I'm going to kick you. I was taller than you two days ago..." She said,just as her stomach growled loudly. She blushed, looking at the ground.

"Hey don't beat me up yet. We still gotta get to my house." He paused and looked at her stomach. "I'll make you some grub when we get there."

"Thanks... so where did you park?"

"In the parking garage just outside, come on." He said as he grabbed her hand and started walking.

She stumbled trying to keep up with him now longer stride. "Dave... I'm short! Slow down a bit, please?"

Dave slowed down to the point he was barely walking. "Ok, ok. Fine. Sorry."

"Now you're making fun of me." She said, glaring at him. "Again."

"I am not. You said to slow down, so I did."

"Not that much! My pet snail could beat you in a race at that rate!"

Dave sighed. "You sure you dont want that piggy back ride?"

She glared at theground before holding her arms up. "Don't forget to grab my bag."

He knelt down and wrapped his arms around her legs. "Ok put your hands on my shoulders so you don't fall. That would suck."

She wrapped her arms around his neck, blushing furiously. Okay..."

He stood up easily, leaning town to grab her bag. "Ok. Here we go." He said, walking toward the garage.

John closed her eyes at the slight breeze on her face, grinning at the sensation.

"Hey, you're as tall as you used to be." Dave chuckled.

John nodded, her grin widening. "Not only that, but with my eyes closed, I can imagine that I'm flying again."

"Oh my god. Thats adorable," He said, smiling. "Hey, if you really wanna feel like you're flying, then hold on tight."

She giggled, holding onto him tighter. "Pchooooo!"

Dave made sure that he had a good grip on her before spinting the rest of the way to the garage. John laughed gleefully, loving the wind on her face. Once they reached the car, Dave slowed to a stop, panting hard.

"Oh my god... I literally haven't... run that fast... in years." He panted "I hope you're happy..."

Still laughing, she drops down, slowing her descent slightly with the windy thing. "That was awesome, Dave!"

Dave collapsed against the car, still panting. "I'm glad one of us is happy..."

John hopped around happily. That is, until her glasses fell off. She quickly dropped to her knees to find them. "Shit. Where are they?"

"Don't move, they're right next to your leg." Dave said, finally beginning to catch his breath.

John reached back and grabbed her glasses, slipping them back onto her face. "Thanks." She said. "Well, that was like crashing into Mount Reality..."

"You're welcome." He said, putting her bag in the back seat of his car. "Not for the reality, the glasses."

"I understood, Dave." She giggled, reaching for the front passenger side door.

"Good. Glad we're on the same page." Dave said, getting into the drivers seat. John got into the car and buckled herself up. She really did look like a kid.

Dave looked over at her and ruffled her hair. "You look like you're like, 12 point 9."

"Oh, stop." She grouched. "I will punch you so freaking hard."

"Why? It's adorable." Dave shrugged. "Also, you're already going to beat me up, remember?"

"That is, like, the third time you have called me that." She blushed, looking at her lap.

"Oh, so you're keeping track then?"

"Why do you keep calling me that?"

"Because you are, duh, I wouldn't just call you that for fun." She said, giving a small smirk after a minute. "You are down right adorable."

John looked up at him, blinking her bright blue eyes at him as she blushed. "So you aren't teasing me?"

"Not really, no" He shrugged. "I mean, I am a little bit, but not completely."

For the next few minutes, John stared out the window as they drove away from the airport. "Hey, Dave?"

"Yeah, whats up?"

"Do you still live with Bro?"

"Kinda. Yes but no..."

She glanced at him. "What does that mean?"

"I moved out of his apartment but into another one in the same building, so he just pops in and out whenever he feels like it" Dave shrugged. "So yes but no."

"Oh, okay." She grinned at him. "I wish I had a sibling..."

"No you don't. They're annoying."

"The closest I have to one is Jade, and I'm also kinda... well, it's just weird... speaking of Jade, she and Rose don't know about me being a girl yet..." John admitted sheepishly.

"Really? I thought you would've run straight to Rose about this."

"No, actually... You're the only one I told. Except for Dad..."

"You should tell them, get some advice."

"What am I supposed to say?"

""Hey I have boobs now, how do I deal?"" Dave suggested.

"What about Jade? "Hey, ectosis! I'm a girl now, so lets bond over boys and your fuzzy dog ears!""John said, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "She still has those, you know. The tail too."

"Pffft exactly, just like that." Dave laughed. "And Jades still a furry? cool."

"Oh my god, did I actually get Dave Strider to almost laugh? Somebody pinch me! I must be dreaming!" She pretended to faint against the window of the car.

"Fuck you, I laugh a lot. Mostly at you."

"You ass!" John laughed, sitting up again

"Jerk." Dave retorted, flipping her the bird.

"But it's cool." She said, leaning her head against his shoulder. "You're still my bestest bro."

"Aww... I'm all warm and fuzzy here." Dave said, grinning, just as johns stomach growled loudly again.

"My stomach calls bullshit." she said with a grin.

"If your stomach keeps insulting me, I just might forget to feed it. Who knows..."

"Ouch... You'd be fine with starving an "adorable" girl?!"

"Chillax John. I was kidding."

"I know. I was being melodramatic." She replied.

"If you look in the console, there might be a bag of chips or something."

At the mention of food, John quickly looked in the compartment and found a bag of Lays potato chips. She quickly ate the chips without even thinking about it. In a matter of a minute, the bag was empty.

Dave snorted. "Hungry much?"

"I woke up late, and I didn't have time to eat breakfast..."

"Hey, it's alright, I've got food galore." Dave said. "Just not in here."

"You'd better be careful, Dave." John laughed.

"Why?" Dave asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The way to an Egbert's heart is through good food." She grinned. "At least, that's what Dad says."

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind." Dave smirked.

John blinked up at him. "Why does that smirk make me uneasy?"

"I dunno. You tell me." He said, looking at her and waggling his eyebrows as they stopped at a light.

John laughed, shoving the blond slightly. "Are you telling me that this is your attept to woo me?" She joked.

"Maaaaaaybe. Maybe not. Who knows?" Dave said mysteriously, turning when the light changed.

"You. You know."

"Do I?" He asked, raising both eyebrows. "Do I really?"

She shoved him softly. "Hey, how much farther is your place?"

"Like, just around the block here."

"Sweet. And it's your head, dude. You should know what's going on in there."

"I might be all confused around a pretty girl, you don't know."

"Oh, so I'm pretty now?"She asked, raising an eyebrow as her glasses slide down her face again.

"Yes, you're pretty John."

She wrinkled her nose, pushing up her glasses again. "Pretty and John should not be used in the same sentance."

"Too late. I just did that." He said, pulling into a parking space in front of the building. "Here we are."

She unbuckled and hopped out of the car. "Sweet. How far up do you live?"

"7th floor. Not anywhere near the roof, sadly." He said as he got out of the car and retrieved her bag from the backseat.

"Wow... That's a huge jump... Top to seventh."

"Yeah, I know, but it isn't as long of an elevator ride, so that's cool."

"True." she shrugged, walking into the building with Dave following behind her.

"Like it's great for groceries and stuff."

"Hehe, I bet!" She grinned up at him again. That's when she noticed that he still wore the glasses she got him for his birthday, years ago. "You still wear those?"

He pressed the call button for the elevator once they get inside. "Duh, I still wear these. My best bro gave them to me."

"How are they still in good condition?" She asked in shock. "How did they survive sBURB?"

"I take really good fucking care of them, ok?" He said as the elevator doors open, he stepped inside, dragging her in by her hand.

She let out a small squeak in surprise. "Wow. Second time you try to kill me today. Trying to set a new record?"

"How does me holding your hand count as me killing you?"

"You have dragged me behind you twice today. Without me being ready for it."

"Hey, I don't want you to get left behind." He shrugged.

She was silent as she slowly curled her fingers around his. "Hey... Dave?" she asked in a small voice.

"Yeah, John?"

"What if I never turn back?"


End file.
